Why speak with children on this delicate topic? Alas, the correct time in order for the child to learn about violence “somehow himself”, says the psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitova in the book “As if to explain to you …”. This is the case when it is better not to wait for a suitable reason.
The risk of meeting a sexual abuse for a child is 4 times higher than the probability of being knocked down on the road. It is especially high in children of middle preschool age (4-5 years).
“Children cannot defend themselves from Abuez themselves – due to the age -related misunderstanding of many processes, physical weakness, immaturity of the ego and dependent position,” explains the psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitov. – We are more adulthood and stronger, and let us not give them one hundred percent protection, but we can significantly reduce their risks. “.
In the book “How to explain to you …” Ekaterina Sigitova explains in detail how to talk with their children about their personal security, clarifying that parents first need to work out their own traumatic or negative experience, do not fall into the child all that they know and remain in the childwithin the issues of interest to him.
When to speak?
The minimum age is from 2 years, that is, when the child begins to understand the differences “his own-felon”. Optimal age – 6–12 years. It is advisable to build a conversation around the idea of security (and use this very word), and not “give information about the Abueza”. So you will not scare and do not worry the child.
The conversation can start yourself. Moreover, it is better to do this not in the wake of some situation, but in a regular, calm atmosphere (exceptions-scenes from the film or from life that clearly strongly strain the child).
Convenient situations to start a conversation:
- bathing a child;
- Medical examination day at the pediatrician or after vaccination;
- laying to sleep;
- The joint time of the parent and the child, when they usually talk (for example, family gatherings in the evening, walking the dog, road from school and to school).
What should I say?
Tell the child that he has intimate places on his body, show where they are and name them – just like you show and call the rest of the body: eyes, ears, arms, legs. It is better not to use euphemisms, but to give preference to the usual names of the genitals. This will help to avoid misunderstanding if the child reports what happened to another adult.
It is important to tell children not only about their body, but also about the anatomy of the opposite sex – because the abuser can be any gender. Explain to the child that another person can see and touch his intimate parts only when it is necessary for health, safety or to ensure purity. Examples: bathing, visiting a doctor, smearing cream for tanning.
This applies to any other person: parents, relatives, teacher, nanny, doctor, men and women, and even older children. Statistics shows that in 37% of cases, the abuser is a member of the child’s family.
But even when it comes to health and ensuring purity, if the child is uncomfortable or painful, the child has the right to say “stop doing this” and immediately inform your parents. As for the unsafe touches, I must say that there are things that no one should do with the child and ever. And if someone does or asks to do them, I must say “no”.
- run hands to the child in underpants or under clothes;
- touch the genitals of the child;
- ask the child to touch the genitals of another person;
- take off clothes from the child, especially linen;
- photograph or shoot a child without clothes on a video.
It is important not to create the impression that sexual pleasure in children (including masturbation) in itself is wrong or ashamed. Problems begin when someone else uses them with sexual goals.
The body of the child is his body and a draw more. It is very important to be able to tell another person “no” in such situations. Therefore, for example, you should not force the child to kiss or hug one of your friends or relatives if he does not want it.
How to say no “?
You can teach a child to these simple phrases:
- “I don’t want to be touched so much”;
- “I do not want to do this”;
- “I am unpleasant, stop”;
- “Move away from me, leave me”.
You can also teach non -verbal ways to express refusal: shake your head, push or run away, remove your hands from yourself, not give your hands.
Another of the options is to play questions about typical situations: what will you say if someone unfamiliar came to the site and says that his dog has a dog?
And if someone a friend asks you to take off your clothes and says that this is a secret? How can you answer if you are offered money so that you do something that you don’t want to do?
Let the child understand that if he feels uncomfortable with someone, he can leave or leave the room, even if it looks rude to the adult. Convince that he will not be punished for this. Safety is more important than politeness.
Typical phrases
Here are a few typical phrases that can help build communication understandable to the child.
- I want to talk to you about the safety associated with your body. Some parts of the body of people are intimate, these are those that we cover with underpants (and bra). You also have them, they are called that and so. Someone sees them very rarely, and only some adults can touch them.
- Adults do not need to touch children for intimate parts of the body, except situations when they wash children or care about their health. Then this is safe touch. If some adult tells you that touching children for intimate places is normal and good, do not believe him, this is not true.
- All people are different, and some can behave strange. Even those you know. They can try to touch your intimate parts of the body, why you may begin to be embarrassed, sad, you may be unpleasant or uncomfortable. Such touches are unsafe. Parents must be told about such adults, because some
of them are unhealthy and they need treatment.
- A strange adult can tell you that this is a game, or that you will like such a touch. It is not true.
- Never go for strangers and do not get into other people’s cars, no matter what these people tell you. For example, you can offer you to look at toys, or at a dog, or say that someone is in trouble and he needs to help. In such cases, first tell me about it or to the adult who walks with you.
- Do not tell other adults that you are at home alone.
- If it seems to you that something is wrong, trust this sensation and get away from unpleasant people.
- Think about which of the adults you can report this if I or dad are not there? It happens that you are not immediately believed, then you need to continue to tell other adults until you meet the one who believes and helps.
- Even if a strange person who touches you says that you should not tell anything-for example, because he will be bad, or your parents will be bad, or that he will do something bad for you, this is not true. He specifically deceives, because he does the bad and does not want to know about it. You are not to blame that you have such a person, and you should not keep such a secret.
All these conversations should be constant and maximally ordinary. When you teach the child to cross the road, you probably repeat the rules many times, and even check how the child remembered it. In the same way you can do with this topic.
But besides conversations, there is something very important, which greatly reduces the risks: this is the availability of you, parents, for close emotional contact with the child. Be for your children at an extended hand – and this will become the main key to their safety.
Read more in the book of Ekaterina Sigitova “How to explain to you: we find the right words for conversation with children” (Alpina Pablisher, 2020).
